Recovering

Hello. My name is Jane, and I'm an Alcoholic. I will always be in a state of recovery.

Some of the definitions of the words "recover" and "recovery" are as follows:

• To get again, or regain something lost or taken away. 
• To regain strength, composure and balance.
• Restoration or return to health from sickness.
• Restoration or return to a former and better state of condition.

Alcoholism is not the only thing I am recovering from. Yes, it is a "one day at a time" thing, but recovery from a lifetime of my own personal circumstances have required an "overhaul."

We are told to live in the moment, to be present in the moment, and to only focus on what is going on this moment and today. Not only do these reminders help me with my Alcoholism, but with everything else I am recovering from.   

I love the words "restore and renew."  These words have been my mantra for the last nine years.  One day a picture of a house being gutted out came to me. I walked around in this house.  There was so much debris, dust and rotten wood. This house was under construction. This would be a long and challenging process, one which would require great patience.

I likened this picture that came to me as my life. But I would no longer think of those two words, "restore, renew" with thoughts of butterflies and daises in my mind. This reconstruction of my life would take courage and was not for the faint of heart.

The last nine years of my life had quite a bit of heartache and pain..most of which I was the author of.  However, I do believe that more growth, change and "reconstruction" has taken place during this short period of my life.

Do I look forward to more of these struggles of the heart and mind? Yes and No.  The pain I've experienced as been heart wrenching and is not fun!  My prayer is that I continue to grow, to change and to love, and if the constant restoring of this house of mine is the only way to guarantee this change I will welcome it...and say "Come On In The House!" You are welcome here.

Friends

I am finding so much comfort in the fact that I am so richly blessed by the people in my life right now. This grateful heart of mind extends her hands to give a warm handshake or even better a long embrace. Thank you.

I will begin with my family. Where would I be without them? Even with all of our flaws there is this unconditional love. I have two friends that I have known for over 30 years, one that I've known for over 50 years.

Since I discovered facebook, I have friends as far away as the U.K. I realize that to compare these internet relationships with the other might seem silly, but nevertheless I call them my friends. I have received so much love and support from these people I have never met.

For many of you that have been in my life for even a short period of time know that I call the red bird, the cardinal, my friend. This little bird has always flown into my path whenever I needed a sign that God was there to show His love and His nearby presence to me.

As of this summer I'm adding the lightening bugs to this list of friends.
It's almost as if I am seeing them for the first time. I do believe this new awareness and appreciation for these little bugs with flashlights attached to them results in my sobriety this summer. The last two summers were spent on days of drinking resulting in going to bed by 7 p.m. I will greet one of them with a "hey you" each time they come and sit with me on the porch.

Of course I can not leave out the moon and the stars. I smile at them and they always smile back.

There's so much to be said about friends. The list could go on and on and on.

Parting

Juliet is on her balcony and bids Romeo goodnight with the words, "Parting is such sweet sorrow." This phrase is such an oxymoron that combines contradictory ideas of pleasure and pain.

I would imagine that Juliet's heart longs for the following day to see her
Romeo, and that is why she can use the words, "sweet sorrow."

For myself there is no tomorrow, and yes this does bring my heart sadness. However, the sweetness of the farewell is that I have been strong enough this time to do the "parting," and to not hang on by that thread of false hope that things will change.

I believe by writing these words down they will be a declaration that I have done the right and loving thing for myself.

Moments

Our family had finished with dinner. My oldest granddaughter, Madelyn, reads from Daily Devotions for young teens each night. Tonight's story was about two sisters who were in Russia for a short-term mission trip.

These girls were on their way home from the market. The girls had purchased a bag full of oranges which were rare in Russia, especially at the end of winter, while at home in California they ate them everyday.

They saw a tired looking woman sitting on a bench. They sat down beside her and one of the girls gave the lady her entire bag of oranges and a Bible. The story spoke of how the other child only gave her one of her oranges. Once the girls arrived back to their room, the little one who gave only one orange felt so sad while the other who gave her entire bag looked radiant! Moral of the story: the little girl had seen the joy that comes from a generous heart.

I sit at the table and watch Madelyn's face as she reads. When she gets to the part of how sad the little girl was that she only shared one orange, she tilts her face up to me and our eyes lock. I can see her eyes begin to moisten with tears, as were mine.

This simple moment has so moved me, and I could almost feel the brush of angels wings around our little dinner table this night. I leave feeling so grateful for one of those very special moments.

The End

You know it is dead
When there is nothing left to speak.

Conversations are empty
Only talk of the weather
or what we had to eat.

No more sweet words to whisper
Or hear in my ears
Only longs pauses
And breaths of despair.

No more energy to rise up
From this sea of death.
One more gasp for air
And I'll put this thing to rest.

I'll return to bring you flowers
And kiss the earth above you
Only to remember those
Sweet things of our past.

Pretending

This word has been resounding in my mind for months, but I've had no desire to approach it or write about it for many reasons. Perhaps I didn't want to look at how I'm a pretender.

As I was sitting on my swing drinking my coffee, I noticed the beautiful little house sitting across the street. It is empty now. During the winter months when I would awaken with the birds, or before, there would be smoke coming out of the chimney, lights on, I could even see the television on. Somehow it brought me comfort that someone else was awake at 3am in the morning. I wasn't alone.

What I didn't realize at the time this elderly couple lived there. The husband could barley take care of his wife who had dementia. But, yet I would see the same things every day. Who really knew what was going on in there world? I certainly didn't. I just enjoyed the benefits of what I saw going on the external.

One morning, it was all gone. The smoking chimney, the lights and television on, and I asked my daughter, where are they? She explained that they had to be taken to an assisted living home. How was I to know? I just lived in my "pretend" world" enjoying all the benefits of it, not getting involved.

A fellow blogger presented a post on someone being a buddy. That hit home to me. A buddy who knew everything there was to know about you, but just walked beside you accepting who you were, holding your hand.

How many of us know who the people around us? Family, friends, face-book friends? Not many I'm sure.

No one knows who Janie is. You know what I comment on, some of what I've shared on my blog, but the guts to really be honest of what's going on in my life just isn't there. I'm not trying to imply we pour our hearts problems to everyone. All that I do know is that I don't want to pretend anymore, to whatever degree that is.

There is a site I visit as often as I can. JBR, "Just Be Real." Now that is someone that I can relate to and have respect for who just lets it out. All the pain and agony she has endured, and screams it loud and clear. Every time I visit her site, as a result of us going through so many similar circumstances, all I can say to her is, "I know...I understand."

There has to be some form of healing in this process. I have not arrived. I still keep most of it inside of me. But, my goal is to be real, and just say it like it is.

The Fog

I'll start this out with Webster's definition of the word "FOG."

"vapor condensed to fine particles of water suspended in the lower
atmosphere that differs from cloud only in being near the ground.
a murky condition of the atmosphere or a substance causing it.
a state of confusion or bewilderment.
something that confuses or obscures (hid behind)
to become blurred by a covering of fog or mist.
FOGBOUND: unable to move because of fog.

We have had rain for over a week and warmer temperatures,which is a definite sign of spring. But in the meantime, there has been this fog that is thicker than pea soup hanging over the city...and also hanging over my head.

As a result of what's happening in my life, I've decided to give myself a break, take time to digest all that is going on and just rest in this fog, desperately trying not to figure out this condition I'm in and just letting it be.

I'm making plans to fly to Atlanta in two weeks. That has helped. Now it's time to start getting a flight ticket, arranging who I'll stay with, emails sent to some of my loved ones that I would love to spend a few precious moments with, and then not worrying about if I can't see as a result of time. Things will take place as they should. I've definitely had to put so much of all that is happening in my life right now in my basket I keep at the Lord's feet, for Him to help me deal with, and He will. He is the great orchestrator of all things, even down to these tiny details I seem so obsessed with.

I do not want to move into that realm of being able to move because of the fog that seems to follow me right now, or for my vision to be blurred. I do not believe that is happening. With God on my side, I know He will be with me throughout all the planning, and also when I arrive to face somethings that I just don't want to face right now. Guess it's time to put on my "grown up" clothes and walk even in the midst of this fog.