Picture of Janie

Picture of Janie

Sunday, March 14, 2010

The Fog

I'll start this out with Webster's definition of the word "FOG."

"vapor condensed to fine particles of water suspended in the lower
atmosphere that differs from cloud only in being near the ground.
a murky condition of the atmosphere or a substance causing it.
a state of confusion or bewilderment.
something that confuses or obscures (hid behind)
to become blurred by a covering of fog or mist.
FOGBOUND: unable to move because of fog.

We have had rain for over a week and warmer temperatures,which is a definite sign of spring. But in the meantime, there has been this fog that is thicker than pea soup hanging over the city...and also hanging over my head.

As a result of what's happening in my life, I've decided to give myself a break, take time to digest all that is going on and just rest in this fog, desperately trying not to figure out this condition I'm in and just letting it be.

I'm making plans to fly to Atlanta in two weeks. That has helped. Now it's time to start getting a flight ticket, arranging who I'll stay with, emails sent to some of my loved ones that I would love to spend a few precious moments with, and then not worrying about if I can't see as a result of time. Things will take place as they should. I've definitely had to put so much of all that is happening in my life right now in my basket I keep at the Lord's feet, for Him to help me deal with, and He will. He is the great orchestrator of all things, even down to these tiny details I seem so obsessed with.

I do not want to move into that realm of being able to move because of the fog that seems to follow me right now, or for my vision to be blurred. I do not believe that is happening. With God on my side, I know He will be with me throughout all the planning, and also when I arrive to face somethings that I just don't want to face right now. Guess it's time to put on my "grown up" clothes and walk even in the midst of this fog.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Sweetest Memories Of You

My granddaughters wanted to color some pictures for their great-nanny and send them to her expressing their love and prayers for her. I ask them not to seal the envelope, for Grammy was going to enclose a little something for my Mama too. Here's what I wrote.

Sweetest Memories Of You

When you would run your fingers through my hair as I laid on your lap
When you knew I felt scared and would let me sit by you in the car, the restaurant, at church or wherever we were.

When I would come and sit at your feet when you were cried, I would rub lotion on your feet to help you feel not so sad.

When you would let me help you change the sheets each week, and help you make the beds, so much learning to be had.

Teaching me to peel potatoes while in the kitchen at my side.

The first time I didn't cry when you washed my hair in the kitchen sink at the age of four,and you announced it to Daddy when he walked through the door on 9th Avenue.

When we sneaked away in the car, while everyone was napping, to go get burgers and fries at the drive-in restaurant, just you and me.

As a teenager calling you while you were in Chattanooga taking care of your mother, my Nanny, I was feeling so frightened, but hung up after hearing your voice filled with peace.

The morning I had P.M.S. in Junior High, and after driving us to school, you just turned the car around without saying a word and took me back home to rest. You just knew...

For the unconditional love you always showed me, and the safety I felt when I was around you.

I love you Mama

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Where Have All The Flowers Gone?

I am one that some mornings I wake up with a song in my head. Well, the song, "Where Have All The Flowers Gone," was one that wouldn't let me go.

I went to my you tube site to listen to Peter, Paul & Mary and posted a couple of songs that I have fond memories of as a 16 year old back in the late 60's. As I listened to the words to the song, the line, "Oh When Will They Ever Learn" and "Long Time Passing" stuck out for me.

I haven't posted a blog in quite a few weeks. Maybe this is due to finding out the news of my mother's diagnoses of lung cancer. My brain has been stuck on this news, and trying my best to digest this and process through it.

My mind has of course been on yearning for Spring and Summer. Elizabeth and Phil always have their tradition of planting their flowers each spring, so my eyes are focused on the snow beginning to melt away from the sidewalk revealing the ground, promising me that I will not be seeing snow forever and I will soon be viewing our flowers.

Then you've got the flowers thing going on in my head. Most of the years I was married to a man who would always be abusive, and then follow up with apologies, cards and flowers. That is called the "wheel", or the "cycle of abuse." I finally told him I hated flowers and cards, they meant nothing to me! And I meant every word of I said.

We see flowers given for some many occasions, such as gifts to your new found love, anniversary's, Valentine's Day, and let's not forget funerals. There have been times in the last few years I've just bought them for myself, indicating I was over that stage of hating flowers and what they represented to me, and I was going to enjoy them as long as I could.

These flowers never live long, although we do our best to keep them alive as long as possible. We cut away the ends of the stems, we add the little packet of "stuff" to the water, but they eventually die.

Oh when will they ever learn? Long time passing. We are a little like flowers. Each beautiful in it's own way. But, let us enjoy this time of beauty with the ones we love and accept the fact that we will not live forever. I don't believe this is a morbid thought, but just a reminder to not take those who cross our paths and our dearest ones for granted. Stop and smell the beautiful aroma they produce, enjoy the vibrant colors! These are all gifts from God to us. Let us be grateful for the time they are with us.