Picture of Janie

Picture of Janie

Thursday, February 25, 2010

All Girls Are A Little Princess

I love watching movies with my granddaughters. My favorites are "The Little Princess", "The Secret Garden", and, of course "Anne of Green Gables."

Monday and Tuesday was "The Little Princess." Yes, Tuesday we watched it again per Grammy's request. There were things in this movie I needed to grab a hold of. All of these things were wrapped up in the main character Sara Crew. Even though she was from a very affluent family and had grown up in India, she was so loving, she showed so much compassion for others, she adored her father, she stood up for her beliefs, she was very determined, loved telling magical story tells that she had learned from India, She seemed to triumph over very difficult obstacles in life..the death of her mother during childbirth and her stories helped her deal with her grief.

As a result of her father, Captain Crew having to go to war, she is sent off to a Boarding School. She makes friends with the other girls by telling her elaborate fairy tells. Some of the children are very jealous of her and not comfortable with her at all.

Her life changes immediately when the news comes that her father still in India is presumed dead. From that point on, the head mistress, Miss Minchin, goes from doting on her to sending her to the servants quarters to earn her right to live their as an orphan and now assume the role as a servant to the other girls. This is where she meets the other child maid, Becky and befriends her.

Through the observations of the mysterious man from India, he does what he can to restore Sara's happiness. There is one magical scene when they are looking through their windows across from each other and make such a spiritual connection! It gave me chills as Sara whirlled around in circles for him. It must have been some sort of Indians ritual, I'm not really sure.

Good ending to the movie. Her dad has been staying at the home where this mysterious man from India lives and takes care of the owner who owns the school. Her father has been brought back to live in this home and has lost his memory, but regains it once Sara makes her way over to their house and sees her father alive and he finally recognizes her after she screams out, "Papa, Papa, Papa!"

Hope. Even through all of Sara's adversity and pain. God was with her all the time, just as he is with you and me. And I am God's little princess.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

My Ladybug

A few of my face book friends know how I am about my cardinals God has shown me over and over as a sign of hope from Him, and now that I haven't seen any cardinals here in St. James, I've seen two eagles! Just at that right time, if you know what I mean. I love how God does that for me. It's just one of those things you know in your heart that it's no less than a miracle.

As I got up early this Sunday morning and went to my bathroom, I saw a ladybug sitting in my sink! I've always loved ladybugs, not knowing much background information on this insect, but another one of those God signs across the years I've experienced.

I began to ponder why did this ladybug, in the cold of winter land in my bathroom sink. So, I did some research on the ladybug and this is what I found:


Many cultures view ladybugs as lucky (which I don't believe in "luck.") The most likely explanation for the general view is that the ladybugs are lucky is their dietary habits. Ladybugs eat harmful crop pests (which I already knew), so the appearance of ladybugs would have been welcomed by farmers and gardeners. The appearance of a ladybug would also have been viewed as a blessing, which explains the positive association with ladybug's in many cultures.

In some Christian societies, especially in Europe, the ladybug is linked with the Virgin Mary. According to legend, the spots on the ladybug's back symbolize the seven sorrows of Mary, and ladybugs were sent by the Virgin to protect the crops.

I'm grateful today I saw my ladybug that God sent my way.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Choosing Our Team

I began to have these thoughts a week ago concerning my past elementary years of recess time, which were nice, long recesses unlike today in school. Plenty of time for fun, play and getting outside in the fresh air with friends.

I used to love to play hopscotch and jump rope. That was during those first through third grade years. Those would have been my sweetest memories. At that time I was attending Fairview Elementary in Rossville, GA.

My father was a principal at Rossville Elementary School. For some reason, which was never discussed with us children, we transferred to the school my Father was principal of. I remember my self-esteem going down, down, down at that point. I can't really pinpoint why, other than just having my Father there at all times to keep his critical eye on my sister and me, and perhaps come by at any moment to pull my hair or grab the skin on my arm and pinch me....for no reason. I was the "good child" in the family. Perhaps too good in light of becoming invisible. That was a safe place for me, always keeping to myself and not saying anything to ignite my Father's rage. Of course I found out that I didn't have to do anything and his cruelty was shown to me. That's all in the past, and I am now dealing with those memories in a healthy way with God's help in the healing process.

Back to my original thought and memory. My twin sister and I would always gather with our friends on the playground and engage in games of softball or kickball. Of course you had to begin with setting up your teams. My twin sister was either always selected first, seeing that she was the athletic one. She was an asset to the team. I on the other hand would be near the end of the choices being made, unless, my sister was the designated one to do the choosing, and then she would take pity on me and choose me right off the bat! I must admit it felt good to be chosen first, but also I knew she was doing it out of loyalty and perhaps sympathy for her twin sister. Either way, I was picked for the team. Thanks Sister.

This thought led me to other thoughts. I am making the choices now. I choose Janie to be on my team. Not only that, but God chooses Janie to be on His team. And guess what??? There are so many people that choose me to be on their team, to be their friends! I am valued and loved by God and by these loving people he has placed in my life. I love it! There are those that are choosing me and not only that, they are rooting for me! I love the definition of this word: "To noisily applaud or encourage a contestant or team. To wish the success of or lend support to someone or something."

A big thank you to all of those who are rooting me on!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Where Have I Been?

I just completed working my fourth step in my "Gentle Path Through The 12 Steps." The last page was for a time of reflection on the fourth step. I've been stuck there. This step wants me to record my reactions to facing my own loneliness. I know I must complete this part, but something has been holding me back.

At the top of the page there is a writing from Henry Nouwen/Reaching Out, that I have used on occasion on facebook. "The difficult road is the road of conversion, the conversion from loneliness into solitude. Instead of running away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny it, we have to protect it and return it into a fruitful solitude. To live a spiritual life, we must first find the courage, but also a strong faith. As hard as it is to believe that the dry, desolate desert can yield endless varieties of flowers, it is equally hard to imagine that our loneliness is hiding unknown beauty. The movement from loneliness to solitude, however, is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from the restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play."

This was Valentine's weekend as we all know. The kids have gone out of town and I was here "alone." I must say, it wasn't an easy weekend for me, and I admit to NOT enjoying the "solitude" but just allowed myself to feel the loneliness.

These feelings of loneliness have been clinging to me like a grave cloth these last couple of weeks. I do believe there has been some things surfacing in me, or that need to be surfaced in me that I'm not allowing to take place. So, for me the best place to begin is to ask God to reveal those things to me, just in layers please and thank you....like peeling the layers off an onion...one at a time.

To be perfectly honest I have been frightened of posting anything but "happy thoughts or feelings" which have not been at the forefront. And THEN, I discovered "justbereal" blog sight, and I so enjoyed her candor about her journey and writing about it so honestly. We all have our stories to tell about our paths and the process of healing of our past. I think I went to at least five or six of her past blogs and commented on every one of them! I could relate to everything she wrote about! It somehow helped me for the moment.

So, to end this on a positive note, I am so grateful for all the bloggers I have been privileged to take a peek into their lives. I love it when we can take each others hand and walk along our paths together in this journey of life. And yes, I still need to finish this final page on my fourth step in facing my loneliness.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Keeping The Light On

I woke up this morning feeling rather peaceful in light of yesterday's happenings with my youngest daughter Hannah and her boyfriend/father of my BEAUTIFUL grandson Shannon.

Yesterday my day started off with five phone calls while I was working at the Animal shelter from Hannah. She was crying very hard, so hard I could barely understand what she was saying. I began to ask her all the questions a mother would ask; "what's wrong sweetie?" "Are you okay?" Her answer was "NO, I'm not okay Mama." She then began to give me Her story (and there's always a story) that the electricity was about to be cut off that day and could I wire her $100.00. I had just gotten paid that day, which I didn't tell her, and could have sent her the money, but I remember the past promises of paying me back and never seeing the money. So, I decided to play the "tough love" thing and tell her I just didn't have the money to wire her right now. There are reasons for this.

I am a part time employee on a minimum pay scale, court fees to pay, car insurance I just got reinstated to pay, monies I pay to Liz and Phil every payday etc. etc. However, the co-dependent mom I was over a year ago in Atlanta would have given her the money I'm sure and never expect her to pay me back. The money she has always asked for in the past was never for what she said she was asking it for. It was usually for drugs or alcohol. The last straw for me is when I gave her my debit card while living in Atlanta to go and buy the baby juice, diapers, cereal, all that stuff my little Shannon needed. I found out in just a few days while making some purchases using my debit card, there was no money in my checking account. And at that time there was over a $1,000. Hard lesson for me to learn. I have this problem...I always want to believe that she is telling me the truth. Plant stupid on this girl's forehead!

She then preceded to call my daughter Liz and pose the same request to her. Liz gave her the same reply mixed in with empathy for the dilemma she was in.Hannah hung up on her in the midst of the conversation. This second denial of money resulted in more phone calls and leaving nasty voice mails on Liz's cell phone. I MEAN NASTY! We both then got phone calls from her boyfriend telling us to NEVER call their number again. Keep in mind this boyfriend has never had a job in the 7 years I have known him, and he is 32 years old!

Liz also spoke to the boyfriends grandmother who stays in touch with us, and she confirmed everything we already knew.

Their behavior and choices are affecting little Shannon also. I will not go into all of that, but just imagine two bi-polar parents on a methadone treatment plan for 7 years, on drugs alcohol, constant raging going on, and the toxic environment that my wee one has to live under. In light of this, Liz who is now angry, concerned for Shannon, decides she is going to get in touch with Children Services, the school or who ever she can to report what is taking place in this house they live in.

As we sit and have our family meeting after dinner last night Phil and I allow Liz to rant and rave, get those angry feelings out of her and then I responded.

I reminded Liz of when my oldest son was into the drug scene, had his two suicide attempts, I read a book on the "Hurting Parent." My thinking was that this would be a book that would have sympathy for us hurting parents being tormented by our children. It wasn't. It was about showing God's love even in the midst of the nightmare you were living with. I'm not certain if it was in this book or another, but I remember reading somewhere that "you should always keep the light on." For me that meant I had to draw some lines with both of these children during those nightmarish times, but find ways to SHOW love to them. With Kris, my oldest, he loved my homemade biscuits. So, when he would come home after days of partying, I would bake for him. He didn't want to hear any words from me. I was his enemy. But I could keep that light on my demonstrating acts of love. At this time as you might know he hasn't spoken to me in over a year. But, I'm still keeping that light on for when he does come around. For Hannah, she always had a problem of sleeping alone. She would love to come and crawl under the covers with me and we would sleep wrapped in each others arms. I would lie there and just smell of her..keeping my light on and taking whatever I could get from her.

I suggested to Liz for us to all pray about the situation and just "sit on it" over the weekend. She did calm down and agreed to that.

My last phone call from Hannah last night was to tell me to never call her again, she was removing me from her life. I responded to her, "Well, Hannah, that is your decision, I love you." I've got to keep that light on in the window for when she returns to me again.

Friday, February 5, 2010


Whew! This has been a most difficult past two weeks. It all started with my sponsor/friend having a stroke and she is recovering very well, which I am very grateful for. One of my co-workers that I have developed a close friendship with, her sister died last week unexpectedly. On top of all of that, my Mama is in the hospital, as most of my f.b. buds are aware of. She and my sisters live in the Atlanta area, so I rely on updates from my youngest sister who is their caretaker, seeing they are both near 80 and both are not in good health. The update yesterday was that a mass was discovered under her shoulder and there will be more tests ran to get the results on the mass. More scans need to be done, however, she has this metal device implanted in her back under her skin to help alleviate some of the pain from her back surgeries and her degenerative arthritis, so they will have to remove this device in order to continue with further c.t.'s etc.

I said all of the above to say that I had a SLIP yesterday. Yep, fell off the old wagon. My friend from work wanted me to drive with her to her therapists, which I did. I am so full of emotions/feelings right now, and I'm doing what I think to be my best in this area but obviously yesterday I wasn't. After all, that is one of the areas I am not in touch with enough.

I walked over to this restaurant next door and ordered me a glass of wine while she was in her session. In the past, I never feel too badly about the decision to do this, but it's always the after effects of shame, remorse and guilt that grip my soul. I chose evil over good. That's the long and short of it; plain and simple truth. I used the circumstances that have come my way as an excuse, but never the less they are excuses.

Even though I haven't seen most of my fellow bloggers, or f.b. buds face to face, I needed to not only confess this in writing and to God, and of course and ask for His forgiveness. It is good for my soul.

I posted some quotes today on f.b. and one of them reads as follows:


I need to do more listening.


One last thing. In the local St. James newspaper, "The PLAINDEALER," they published yesterday under Court Reports/Misdemeanors as follows:

"Barbara Jane Haislip, 57, DWI-operating motor vehicle with alcohol concentration .08 within two hours...fine $605.00.

Oh well, that's a good thing. I need to be reminded of what I did and pay the consequences that goes along with that.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Dear Diary/Dear God

This writing is probably done more for myself than anyone else, and I apologize for that. It is more of putting my thoughts and feelings down. It's not like I'm looking for advice from anyone, I already know what I need to do, which is to take all of these things in prayer to God and wait. Just wait. It's the waiting that's hard for me at times; but I will. For I do know His way IS the best way in all my concerns and frustrations and His advice is the best

I'm sure if anyone has read any of my blogs you are already aware of some of my hot topics and things that "trigger" certain emotions in me that are not always good. It's the discerning between what is appropriate and what is not. Keep in mind, this healing that's taking place in this specific area has been a slow process. Bottom line, the more I learn to trust God and not fear Him, the rest will follow and I will not be so "reactive" in my emotions and at times the words I might speak.

This area I speak of is my concept of a Heavenly Father, which is loving and Someone you can trust everything with. Your life and all of those things that plague us at times. If at times, I'm in a situation, specifically with a male and something happens or is said or done, those 'triggers" explode right in front of me! That's not a good thing.

As recent as last evening I attended one of my three meetings I go to for recovering addicts/NA or recovering alcoholics. In this meeting last night there is a gentlemen who has many years of sobriety under his belt, and I respect him for that. It's just his abrasive/sarcastic attitude that ticks me off to no end!

To be more specific, my sponsor had a stroke 9 days ago and is recovering at home now. She attended her first meeting last night but is still on the mend and will be for quite some time. She even went as far to relinquish her duties as the treasure for any monies that are collected, knowing that her brain is not functioning in it's normal capacity, and this was something she felt she needed to do. This decision from her took place before the "official" meeting began. After the "how are you doing" questions to her, this individual I am referring to ask her why she had not been attending meetings. I popped out of my mouth, "She just had a stroke a week ago!" My sponsor added after my comment that she had been very tired and was sleeping a lot. My response was to the group and to this individual, she should follow the lead of what her body was telling her. The next statement from this gentleman was, "we do not stop attending meetings even when we have hardships, and putting that over our sobriety." You will not believe what my response to him was!!! "You have NO empathy with her situation, and she is doing great with her sobriety!" It was only a few minutes later that I leaned over to one of the "nice" guys that was sitting next to me and told him I was leaving, I did not feel well. Which was not a lie. I have some on going physical problems that crop up from time to time and yesterday was one of those times. However, I wasn't feeling good emotionally either. I was pissed off!

Well, in this small town, there are 3 meetings to go to: one being the N.A. meeting last night, the other an A.A. meeting with a tyranical, raging, controlling man that is losing his members as a result of this, and thank God, the A.A. womens meeting my sponser and I started at noon on Fridays. I've just about decided to limit my meetings to Friday's only. I am in no way saying I do not believe in these kinds of programs that have benefited thousands of people for many years. Where would A.A. be without Dr. Bill?

Now is that the answer?? Would that be what God would want me to do? To be honest, the meeting I go to is "business as usual," no real sharing time, almost a "mans club" seeing that my sponser and I are the only two females there. Much standing around talking about sports, inappropriate sex talk especially when us girls are around.

Enough of this. I'm certain this blog was to no benefit to anyone, but it made me feel somewhat better just writing it down, and I will be praying about it. Thanks.