Picture of Janie

Picture of Janie

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Please allow me to start off by saying I am grateful to God and the prayers from many friends and family for the outcome of yesterday's court hearing. To be specific, no jail time involved, no more rehab time which I had already successfully completed for almost 4 months this past summer, and what should have been 2 hearings, my attorney spoke with the defense attorney and got it down to just the one hearing yesterday. I will however have $580 in fines which can be made in installments, attend the MADD Panel to the tune of $75.00, and of course the obvious, have no similar violations, no drinking, obey all laws, supervised probation for one year (which is fine with me) and subject to random testing without probable cause. Enough about that.

Back to my title of the day, "You Can't Always Get What You Want," is so true. I wanted to drink on that day I received my D.W.I. and should have received the consequences. In life, we do things we don't want to do at times. Waking up in the middle of the night with our nursing babies when we are exhausted, dealing with our difficult and confused teens, getting a divorce and the list could go on and on. I don't always want to attend my A.A./N.A. meetings 3 times a week. But I know it is important to my sobriety.

At this point in my life, I just want to do what the Lord would have me do and it be pleasing in His sight. If I can obtain this, then all is well with my soul. This must have a connection with not only maturing in age but maturing in our relationship with God, and there are times when all I can pray is "help me God", or "thy will be done, not mine."

This is a simple concept, but not an easy one. I'm glad the more I do it, the easier it gets.

Thanks for reading about the "real Jane."

Monday, December 28, 2009

The Seasons Of Our Life

We are in the season of Winter right now. So much snow on the ground and very cold. I do believe I'm finally accepting this cold weather in Minnessota where I reside now. Acceptance is good.

As I was driving to Mankato with my daughter, son-in-law and my three grandchildren yesterday I was peering out the window of our van and was reminded that during the winter you can see all those details of the landscape around you that you miss during the other seasons. This got me to remembering those days as a child when my twin sister and I would go exploring in the woods of Tennessee and I loved being able to see what was at my feet and all around me. We even discovered an old abandoned shack. Now that was exciting for a nine year old!

I do believe during those winter seasons of our life's that God wants to expose to us certain areas and deal with. I for one am taking a look at how I have sabotaged myself my entire life. Recently my therapist reminded me to be careful of not sabotaging myself, something I already knew I did but was grateful for the reminder.

I'm not trying to play junior psychologist here, but taking a look back into my childhood I grew up with a remarkable twin who could touch her hands to anything and everything and succeed. She was a cheerleader, the only freshman on the volley ball team and the best spiker. Her body was made for dancing and she excelled at that. She could walk into a room and her very presence would just draw people to her. I was always the shy twin and felt invisible. She wasn't afraid to try anything new, and I on the other hand was afraid to try anything at all in fear I wouldn't succeed and I would fail. This followed me throughout my life in so many areas. I would even sabotage myself to lose with her to make her happy.

There were 2 different situations I remember so well. One was our 7 year birthday party. She even won at "pin the tail on the donkey." Give me a break! It was my birthday too.The other was a drawing at one of the clothing stores we shopped at and she dropped her name in the box, and guess what??? She won the dress.

Thank God we are now older and enjoy each other's differences and embrace them. We do not hesitate to say out loud praises when we see something wonderful in each other.

Other memories cropped up for me as well. When starting a new job, I was always filled with fear and anxiety. When I got to the point of knowing my job well, I excelled at it and performed whatever duties with excellence. However, I always had a hard time when being recognized for my abilities and it was me they were recognizing.

The conclusion is that I want God during these "winter seasons" of my life to expose those areas that I may be aware of and may not be, and to only walk in His perfect plan for my life where there is always success.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Don't Look Back

Here we are getting ready to enter into another new year; fresh with no mistakes in it. How well we know our past years have been full of mistakes and we will continue to make more. Some were of our own doing, and other happenings were a result of situations in our life that more than likely we had a hand in creating, or perhaps not. Maybe we chose the wrong path, the wrong person, not following the path that God intended for us to follow. But, God is so gracious to give us a fresh start and forgive us of all those bad choices and mistakes we have made, and even those who have brought harm to us, and will continue to do so.

I know for myself some of my past years were full of poor choices and mistakes I've made. One of my favorite scriptures in the Bible is out of the book of Jeremiah verse 29:11 which reads: " For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you" and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

In terms of "not looking back," again in Genesis 19:26 when Lot was fleeing Sodom, Lot's wife was told "Don't' look back", but in her disobedient hesitation she looked back and became a pillar of salt. This sounds like God was serious and how important that command was.

I was watching "The Never Ending Story Part I with the grandchildren yesterday, and it left me with some pretty big messages. The Nothingness that was destroying the Land of Fantasia caused hopelessness and no dreaming, That movie seemed only to connect somehow with what I wanted to write.

Let's continue to dream and have hope for our future that God has planned for us. I know that I at times tend to reflect on those ugly memories in my head, but I am finally learning to remember the most important thing of all, and that is God does have plans for me, for us, and hopes for a future. I can not change the past, and have no control over my future. Let's live for today in God's perfect plan and will for our life.

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Here's some real talk from me. I'm new to this blog sight, so bear with me. I must admit it's a little on the scary side. Real Talk is my blog title, and that is what you will get. I can only hope it helps someone else out there.

The word that comes to mind is "Authentic." One of Webster's definitions is "true to one's own personality, spirit or character".

One can not hide nor run from who they are and what they have lived through in life. It makes us who we are. I for one have been through many trials in my 57 years. For example, married for 33 years to a very abusive man.. Co-led a group for women in abusive relationships for several years. Finding myself right back in an abusive relationship after divorcing my husband. (looking at that one for sure) and FINALLY making the decision to divorce after my four children had flown the nest.

Two of my adult children have been addicts, and both have had two suicide attempts. One of them, my youngest daughter, is still on a methadone treatment plan and has been for over 6 years, and has been involved with her significant other who is very abusive and I feel is a narcissus.She has one child and he gets to see how abusive men treat women and has started to act out the same behavior. I am not here to pass judgment on this man she has chosen but these are just the facts. He has beat her severely on many occasions and constantly has hurtful abusive comments flown her way. I have had him arrested at one time for knocking her unconscious. Thank God I am in the "letting go" process and knowing she is the one to make the decision to leave. Believe me, I know the pattern.

My youngest brother died from alcoholism in his early 40's. I am a recovering alcoholic and have depression/anxiety disorders. As a result of pushing all of those tragic events undercover found great relief for numbing the pain I was in. When one stuffs, it always comes out physically, mentally and emotionally. It is now time to face life on life's terms without the using of alcohol and begin to acknowledge what Janie is feeling andwhen she is feeling. Scary thing for me since I've been doing the other most of my entire life. Therapy has helped with that....

I just receive a d.u.i. and my next court date is December 29th. I am, of course not sure of what the outcome will be, but that's another one of those things I put in my basket at God's feet and ask for His grace and mercy, which does not mean I am not taking full responsibility for my bad choices and the consequences that go along with those bad choices.

I am involved with A.A. and N.A. and acts of service. I have a good spiritual life with my Higher Power which I choose to identify as God, and He has helped me and continues to do so every waking minute of my day.

I do not say all of this to get pity from anyone. I certainly do not pity myself. I am just letting you know just a little about this Tennessee woman who is now living in Minnesota with her daughter and family. Many changes have taken place in my life and I for one do NOT like change. But, this has been very good for me. It has saved me from myself. It has saved my life.

My theory in life is honesty is the best policy; not only to yourself but to others. How can we live while we deceive ourselves and live in a pretend/fantasy world? I require that of myself and desire that from those around me.

I love people. Can't help it. Maybe it's some co-dependent thing in me, but I have always been drawn to the underdog who no one notices the pain in them. For some reason I do. I can see behind the smiles they put on their face yet I can also discern the pain in their hearts and minds and want to give them hope for a future.

My goal in life is to never miss an opportunity to tell someone how special they are to me and how much I love them and just ask that question, "how ya REALLY doin' today?" We never really know what tomorrow brings do we? Living in the moment you might say.

Okay. My first blog is done. Whew. Wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Thanks for reading.

The risky part for me is that I am not one to want to disclose these what used to be shameful events in my life. The wonderful part is that I do not find these events in my life to be shameful any longer. It has made me who I am. So it is time to rejoice in that! Thanks for reading. Janie