Picture of Janie

Picture of Janie

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Dear Diary/Dear God

This writing is probably done more for myself than anyone else, and I apologize for that. It is more of putting my thoughts and feelings down. It's not like I'm looking for advice from anyone, I already know what I need to do, which is to take all of these things in prayer to God and wait. Just wait. It's the waiting that's hard for me at times; but I will. For I do know His way IS the best way in all my concerns and frustrations and His advice is the best

I'm sure if anyone has read any of my blogs you are already aware of some of my hot topics and things that "trigger" certain emotions in me that are not always good. It's the discerning between what is appropriate and what is not. Keep in mind, this healing that's taking place in this specific area has been a slow process. Bottom line, the more I learn to trust God and not fear Him, the rest will follow and I will not be so "reactive" in my emotions and at times the words I might speak.

This area I speak of is my concept of a Heavenly Father, which is loving and Someone you can trust everything with. Your life and all of those things that plague us at times. If at times, I'm in a situation, specifically with a male and something happens or is said or done, those 'triggers" explode right in front of me! That's not a good thing.

As recent as last evening I attended one of my three meetings I go to for recovering addicts/NA or recovering alcoholics. In this meeting last night there is a gentlemen who has many years of sobriety under his belt, and I respect him for that. It's just his abrasive/sarcastic attitude that ticks me off to no end!

To be more specific, my sponsor had a stroke 9 days ago and is recovering at home now. She attended her first meeting last night but is still on the mend and will be for quite some time. She even went as far to relinquish her duties as the treasure for any monies that are collected, knowing that her brain is not functioning in it's normal capacity, and this was something she felt she needed to do. This decision from her took place before the "official" meeting began. After the "how are you doing" questions to her, this individual I am referring to ask her why she had not been attending meetings. I popped out of my mouth, "She just had a stroke a week ago!" My sponsor added after my comment that she had been very tired and was sleeping a lot. My response was to the group and to this individual, she should follow the lead of what her body was telling her. The next statement from this gentleman was, "we do not stop attending meetings even when we have hardships, and putting that over our sobriety." You will not believe what my response to him was!!! "You have NO empathy with her situation, and she is doing great with her sobriety!" It was only a few minutes later that I leaned over to one of the "nice" guys that was sitting next to me and told him I was leaving, I did not feel well. Which was not a lie. I have some on going physical problems that crop up from time to time and yesterday was one of those times. However, I wasn't feeling good emotionally either. I was pissed off!

Well, in this small town, there are 3 meetings to go to: one being the N.A. meeting last night, the other an A.A. meeting with a tyranical, raging, controlling man that is losing his members as a result of this, and thank God, the A.A. womens meeting my sponser and I started at noon on Fridays. I've just about decided to limit my meetings to Friday's only. I am in no way saying I do not believe in these kinds of programs that have benefited thousands of people for many years. Where would A.A. be without Dr. Bill?

Now is that the answer?? Would that be what God would want me to do? To be honest, the meeting I go to is "business as usual," no real sharing time, almost a "mans club" seeing that my sponser and I are the only two females there. Much standing around talking about sports, inappropriate sex talk especially when us girls are around.

Enough of this. I'm certain this blog was to no benefit to anyone, but it made me feel somewhat better just writing it down, and I will be praying about it. Thanks.


  1. Thanks for sharing, Janie. It always takes courage to do that, and I think in any problem we are struggling with, at least one other person may be dealing with the same and so can be helped by your discussion (thinking of Peter's letters saying our trials are not unique but are common to all people).

    What stood out to me is the struggle with doubt and having to watch being "reactive." I have the same problems too; my reactiveness isn't usually vocal, but it is certainly there in my heart and comes out in desperate moments of sobbing and crying out to God over even some of the slightest things; I feel I should be more patient and trusting!

    As far as your decision to cut down on the meetings, I know it's not for me to say and I'm very distanced from the situation, but personally, I think that's a wonderful idea! Sometimes I think we flood ourselves with too much. I've learned that God will challenge us and help us meet His goal for us in His own time, as He knows we can handle it. Sometimes, I think we are expecting of ourselves something we cannot achieve, at least at the moment. We can only achieve it with God, so we might as well rest and wait for HIM to help us when He knows it is best. I think I've had that trouble with blogs and books sometimes: pushing and pushing myself when my heart simply wasn't ready; until God Himself transforms our heart and puts His Spirit, love and strength in there, it is futile to try so hard ourselves. I believe we will show His love as we are filled with it; we will react peacefully as we are flooded with His peace; we will produce fruits of the Spirit as He is moving within us. In the mean time, I think it's often the best idea to cut back and just spend more time alone with Him. I think doing that, He will help us be more patient and teach us more about Himself, enabling us to trust Him more.

    I know my comments are getting long this morning... hope something in there was helpful!

  2. Praying for you! I was getting ready to type up a LONG comment here, but I think Ruth said it all. Praying always,


  3. Calming Reflections/Beneath The Surface came to me today via email, just another confirmation that people exhibit certain behaviors as a result of hurt etc. Thanks Ruth and Marty. Ruth said a wonderful mouthful and I soaked it all in.

  4. Jane,

    You're wrong: your blog is beneficial to people! It is VERY helpful and VERY enlightening. While I've never had problems with substance abuse, I do have some addictive tendencies that I inherited from my parents. Reading about how you deal with your sobriety and the emotions connected to it is cathartic for me, and it causes me to face my own demons.

    Keep writing!

  5. Ruth, thanks so much for your constant insight and wisdom. My view is changing from time to time. My true source for healing/restoration is from God and God alone. However, there are support systems placed in my life, such as people who are loving me unconditionally, not looking at me being a recovering alcoholic and labeling me or seeing me as just that. It is a disease and I am separate from this disease that I must depend on God one day at a time. Sometimes, one hour at a time. I took everything in you said Ruth and drank it up.

    Marty, thanks for always praying.

    Jenn, wow, i love you girl! This is want to accomplish in my blog. To be honest about these unspoken topics in life that no one seems to want to touch with a nine foot pole! I helped lead a support group for abused women years ago and it was wonderful to see how women were transformed just by speaking "their truth" about their abusive relationships. Looking at hard issues isn't easy but brings healing. So happy to know that you understand my goal for my blogging is to be helpful and enlightening. You get me! I'm not there, but I'm on my way. love to all of you. Janie

  6. You're welcome, Janie! Glad to be helpful in some way!