This writing is probably done more for myself than anyone else, and I apologize for that. It is more of putting my thoughts and feelings down. It's not like I'm looking for advice from anyone, I already know what I need to do, which is to take all of these things in prayer to God and wait. Just wait. It's the waiting that's hard for me at times; but I will. For I do know His way IS the best way in all my concerns and frustrations and His advice is the best
I'm sure if anyone has read any of my blogs you are already aware of some of my hot topics and things that "trigger" certain emotions in me that are not always good. It's the discerning between what is appropriate and what is not. Keep in mind, this healing that's taking place in this specific area has been a slow process. Bottom line, the more I learn to trust God and not fear Him, the rest will follow and I will not be so "reactive" in my emotions and at times the words I might speak.
This area I speak of is my concept of a Heavenly Father, which is loving and Someone you can trust everything with. Your life and all of those things that plague us at times. If at times, I'm in a situation, specifically with a male and something happens or is said or done, those 'triggers" explode right in front of me! That's not a good thing.
As recent as last evening I attended one of my three meetings I go to for recovering addicts/NA or recovering alcoholics. In this meeting last night there is a gentlemen who has many years of sobriety under his belt, and I respect him for that. It's just his abrasive/sarcastic attitude that ticks me off to no end!
To be more specific, my sponsor had a stroke 9 days ago and is recovering at home now. She attended her first meeting last night but is still on the mend and will be for quite some time. She even went as far to relinquish her duties as the treasure for any monies that are collected, knowing that her brain is not functioning in it's normal capacity, and this was something she felt she needed to do. This decision from her took place before the "official" meeting began. After the "how are you doing" questions to her, this individual I am referring to ask her why she had not been attending meetings. I popped out of my mouth, "She just had a stroke a week ago!" My sponsor added after my comment that she had been very tired and was sleeping a lot. My response was to the group and to this individual, she should follow the lead of what her body was telling her. The next statement from this gentleman was, "we do not stop attending meetings even when we have hardships, and putting that over our sobriety." You will not believe what my response to him was!!! "You have NO empathy with her situation, and she is doing great with her sobriety!" It was only a few minutes later that I leaned over to one of the "nice" guys that was sitting next to me and told him I was leaving, I did not feel well. Which was not a lie. I have some on going physical problems that crop up from time to time and yesterday was one of those times. However, I wasn't feeling good emotionally either. I was pissed off!
Well, in this small town, there are 3 meetings to go to: one being the N.A. meeting last night, the other an A.A. meeting with a tyranical, raging, controlling man that is losing his members as a result of this, and thank God, the A.A. womens meeting my sponser and I started at noon on Fridays. I've just about decided to limit my meetings to Friday's only. I am in no way saying I do not believe in these kinds of programs that have benefited thousands of people for many years. Where would A.A. be without Dr. Bill?
Now is that the answer?? Would that be what God would want me to do? To be honest, the meeting I go to is "business as usual," no real sharing time, almost a "mans club" seeing that my sponser and I are the only two females there. Much standing around talking about sports, inappropriate sex talk especially when us girls are around.
Enough of this. I'm certain this blog was to no benefit to anyone, but it made me feel somewhat better just writing it down, and I will be praying about it. Thanks.