Whew! This has been a most difficult past two weeks. It all started with my sponsor/friend having a stroke and she is recovering very well, which I am very grateful for. One of my co-workers that I have developed a close friendship with, her sister died last week unexpectedly. On top of all of that, my Mama is in the hospital, as most of my f.b. buds are aware of. She and my sisters live in the Atlanta area, so I rely on updates from my youngest sister who is their caretaker, seeing they are both near 80 and both are not in good health. The update yesterday was that a mass was discovered under her shoulder and there will be more tests ran to get the results on the mass. More scans need to be done, however, she has this metal device implanted in her back under her skin to help alleviate some of the pain from her back surgeries and her degenerative arthritis, so they will have to remove this device in order to continue with further c.t.'s etc.
I said all of the above to say that I had a SLIP yesterday. Yep, fell off the old wagon. My friend from work wanted me to drive with her to her therapists, which I did. I am so full of emotions/feelings right now, and I'm doing what I think to be my best in this area but obviously yesterday I wasn't. After all, that is one of the areas I am not in touch with enough.
I walked over to this restaurant next door and ordered me a glass of wine while she was in her session. In the past, I never feel too badly about the decision to do this, but it's always the after effects of shame, remorse and guilt that grip my soul. I chose evil over good. That's the long and short of it; plain and simple truth. I used the circumstances that have come my way as an excuse, but never the less they are excuses.
Even though I haven't seen most of my fellow bloggers, or f.b. buds face to face, I needed to not only confess this in writing and to God, and of course and ask for His forgiveness. It is good for my soul.
I posted some quotes today on f.b. and one of them reads as follows:
"COURAGE IS WHAT IT TAKES TO STAND UP AND SPEAK. COURAGE IS ALSO WHAT IT TAKES TO SIT DOWN AND LISTEN." Sir Winston Churchill
I need to do more listening.
"IF YOU HAVE MADE MISTAKES, EVEN SERIOUS ONES, THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER CHANCE FOR YOU. WHAT WE CALL FAILURE IS NOT THE FALLING DOWN BUT THE STAYING DOWN." Mary Pickford
One last thing. In the local St. James newspaper, "The PLAINDEALER," they published yesterday under Court Reports/Misdemeanors as follows:
"Barbara Jane Haislip, 57, DWI-operating motor vehicle with alcohol concentration .08 within two hours...fine $605.00.
Oh well, that's a good thing. I need to be reminded of what I did and pay the consequences that goes along with that.
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Hey there, Barbara Jane, aka, my darling Janie! Just read your post and wanted to take a moment to let you know you're always in my loving thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteYour slip was a minor one, and I do not hear or feel any major bad vibes coming from you as a result. You recognized it for what it was and it sounds like you pulled your Big Girl socks up and got right back into Living Life!
I think you're doing great, and I also admire the fact that you took time to share your experiences in your blog. You are making a difference w/ your writing, my friend, I feel this very definitely.
Be well, and remember that many people love you so much, even if, as you mentioned in your blog, they might be people you have yet to meet face to face. Sending you loving light and energy!
Dawn
Oh My Sweet Friend,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comments. I wanna cry "happy" tears. love ya, Barbara Jane a.k.a. darling Janie
Methinks that Darling Janie is the new nom de plume for you! (DJ for short) ;-)
ReplyDeleteJanie,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your willingness to write about this. Reading your post, I know nothing bad will come from this. You are a great person, and I know you will get through all these problems, especially if you keep a good friend I know called God by your side. :)
I am praying for you everyday.
-Marty
So appreciate you stopping by to read my confession and I am holding on to the words you wrote to me Marty, and keeping God on my side. Thanks for praying for me. Can't tell you how much I need your prayers. Jane
ReplyDeleteHey Janie, I know how it feels to experience that remorse and guilt when you've "slipped". I've never dealt with substance addiction, but for a couple of years, particularly last year (I say "particularly" because that's when I started fighting it and when the battles seemed so intense), I faced getting rid of an addiction. I am okay writing/talking about it if you ever feel the need to share or ask anything in a more private message. For here, I'll just say, I know how it feels to slip; sometimes in small ways that may not have even mattered to God, sometimes in bigger ways which I'm fairly convinced did matter to God. It can be very devastating to feel we're failing or to feel we're betraying Him...again, but thank goodness, we do pick ourselves back up again and try to do better next time. Philippians 3 always encourages me in that respect as far as forgetting what is past (and even what happened a second ago is past) and pushing forward toward our high calling!
ReplyDeleteYep, choosing evil over good is what i call it. This past week has been a biggie for me.. with my mother, my sponsor's stroke, my b.f here in St. James/death of her sister my daughter Hannah, and as of today my ex-husband will be having part of his thyroid removed/results were questionable when they did a biopsy. Even though we are divorced, I do love him and have concern for the father of my four children. But, those are just excuses. To be honest, I just feel down right tired at the moment. Bottom line, I didn't turn to Him for strength at that moment...but forgetting what is past and pushing forward toward our higher calling. I would love to hear some of your experiences when you would like to share.
ReplyDeleteGod's love for me has just poured like oil over my head from your last two comments to my blogs. I am grateful to Him and to you for being His vessel, or a gift from Him to me. love, jane