As I sit down to write this blog, it might seem a though I'm not taking some of the things that have transpired in my life since November that I brought on myself, or even making light of them. This is not the case. After reading "After I left the Church system, not the true Church," I originally was going to write in the next few days about the Body of Christ and it's members, which I will still do. This blog definitely hit me between the eyes, being that I came from being a member and on staff at a very toxic church for 13 years in GA, which my family ended up leaving. I left a very lengthy comment on this topic. In fact, I probably got a little carried away with my comments. Perhaps in need of some healing in this area still??
In the mean time, I've been thinking and voiced to my daughter Elizabeth how I believe I've transferred one addiction to another, which happens quite often with recovering alcoholics/addicts. Not only have I observed this, but my daughter has also and we laugh about it!
For example, all my life I've never bought anything for myself. I'm certainly not playing the martyr here, but having four children and living on a rather low income, they always came first when it came to making purchases. In fact, even if I received gift money for myself, we would go shopping and I would always end up spending the gift money I had received on them. I do not think this is something unusual, but a "mom" thing some of us do. I even enjoyed it!
Since marrying in 1970 at the age of 18, I have bought myself two coats. The first one was over 12 years ago and was a rather expensive coat, and of course was bought on sale at the end of the winter season. In the last two weeks I've done the same. I got a wild hair and went on Amazon and saw a beautiful red coat, Anne Klein, double breasted with a hood and HAD to have it. So what do I do???? order it right there and then. It also had an original price of $180 odd bucks and I only paid around $89.00 for it which only made the purchase sweeter for me. Before this purchase I've bought on line (I hate shopping at malls, but who knows I'll finally start doing that too) I've order CD's, books on addiction and a shirt. I'm waiting on my next pay period to buy 2 new pillow cases to match the new sheets I purchased last week, that were on sale of course.
This is NOT the Janie I know.
There is this line that's read in our group readings that is read at every meeting that "One is Too Many and A Thousand Never Enough." Well, my daughter and I apply this to my newest addiction transference when I come up the stairs at night to get my 2nd helping of ice cream I am binging on. She even says this too me and we both begin to bust a gut with laughter!
The conclusion I've come to is that perhaps I am doing the transferring one addiction to another, but I would rather be doing these types of things (for the moment) than drinking,hoping this too shall pass.
The lesson of this story for myself is that I'm able to laugh at myself and others laughing with me about myself during this difficult time of being a Recovering Alcoholic. I am cracking myself up! LOL LOL.....
Oh yes, one more thing, as I put on my new red coat that I would probably sleep in if I could, I go to retrieve the mail outside and I see a RED truck with a plow attached to it. I begin to think to myself, "boy Janie, you could have one of those attached to your car when you get your license back and make extra monies to help pay off the fines you were charged with for your D.W.I. charges. I begin to chuckle out loud to myself and think, boy, what a ridiculous thought, but this feels good.
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Jane, I see your current process as one of emerging from a long winter of sorts. The butterfly breaking free of the chrysalis. My point is, you're not doing anything that I see to be of addictive behavior - to the contrary, you're actually beginning, perhaps for the first time in your adult life, to embrace what it feels like to be autonomous, to be in charge of your own identity and your own path, and to have the chance to make decisions for yourself...BECAUSE YOU CAN. That's a beautiful thing, my love.
ReplyDeleteI do NOT see any of this as "selfish" behavior in a negative way. I know you didn't use that wording here, but I've noticed you use it in other posts or FB comments. The word, selfish, does indicate a negative - so let's replace it with "being good to yourself." There is value in this behavior, because it is the process of loving yourself. That's a lesson we all struggle with regularly, but I see your new red coat and all the other small things you're doing for yourself as pure and beautiful actions. You're being good to yourself and you're showering yourself with love. Seriously, Jane, how beautiful!
Final thought - the color of your coat, red? Red is color that has immense spiritual meaning. Red is power, for one thing. It is vibrant, very clear and sure. The energy of red also is high in vibration and increases brain wave activity, encourages creativity and instills confidence. How 'bout them apples, hmm? You chose a red coat for a reason, sister - I choose to believe that the color red spoke to you because you're now stepping into this new phase, chapter, new path...of CONFIDENCE and GROWTH in your life. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!
Much love...my little red hen! ;-)
Dawn
just found your blog and liking it. The color red does shout confidence....whoo hoo. Sarah
ReplyDeleteThanks for both comments Dawnie and Sarah. I do believe all things are possible (as you stated in your latest blog) that my confidence is coming back, even as of today I find myself a little on gas in the confidence area. It's a comin though!
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