Picture of Janie

Picture of Janie

Saturday, January 16, 2010

This I Do Know

I woke up this Saturday morning to my usual 4:00 a.m. Upon waking up those first few moments each day, I begin to feel anxiety and feeling frightened. This morning was different, not that I didn't wake up to those feelings, but the thought that came to me was to remind myself of what was different in my life right now. By that I mean to say that I am not living in the same world of abuse, unexpected horrors for me, not knowing what would happen next. The world I live in now is a very safe environment, full of peace, and knowing that the day would NOT bring to me what I had experienced for 33 years of my marriage and the last three years of another abusive relationship I had been in. So, I decided to remind myself of these things I did know to be true for me in my life now, and as always to express my gratitude to God for placing me here in this safe, healing environment.

For myself this healing God is doing in my life with P.T.S.D and Anxiety Disorder, both a result of my past experiences starting with my father, has been a slow process, not fast enough for me. But I have to bring things to the table also along with God's healing in these areas. Such as reminding myself of: God is present to bind up and heal the brokenness and emotional wounds from my past. He is the TRUTH that sets me free. I am no longer an emotional prisoner-crippled and could not lift up myself. God has begun a good work in me, and He will perform it until the day of Christ Jesus. Forgetting those things that lie behind and strain forward to what lies ahead. The past will no longer control my thinking patterns or my behavior. I am a new creature in Christ and old things have passed away; and, behold, all things have become new. And finally, I am bringing all my energies to bear on this one thing: regardless of my past I look forward to what lies ahead.

I realize there are some that have the belief that one is not supposed to talk about those experiences some of us have had in our life. I believe one must talk about them to release the power that those experiences have had hold on them. I believe it is almost a form of confession to another individual and to God. This is why my post is entitled "REAL TALK."

I am not saying I live my life just to vomit out to others my negative experiences that had taken it's toll on me emotionally, mentally and physically. What I am saying is, that in experiencing so many trials in my past, and experiencing God's healing power and hope for a future of restoration and healing, I can be of hope and most of all truly understand when someone else has traveled similar roads. In that I have been touched with the feelings of their infirmities and can share this hope and then the healing can begin that God intends.

For some reason people have always felt safe to tell me how they are REALLY feeling, and what is REALLY going on in their hearts and life. This is so opposite of what I experienced, not feeling safe to cry out for help or to be honest with someone as a result of the shame that bound me, frightened that I would be rejected if "they" really knew what happened behind closed doors. I have even had Pastors validate my ex-husband's behavior in times of counseling, in times of me crying out for help. I have forgiven these individuals, and thank God there was finally one Pastor who understood and LISTENED to me. I am someone that truly understands where they are coming from.

This I do know, God is in the healing business, wanting to make us whole and new again. Thanks be to my Father for loving me and listening to my cries and not looking the other way. He was just there...accepting me just as I was, a wounded soul, wanting to hear what I had to say and to restore and renew me and bring back the joy I had lost along the way.


  1. Isn't it wonderful that part of the Gospel is not only forgiveness but also healing and newness?

    I am sorry for your troubles, and I do think it's good to talk about them to get help from our brothers and sisters and to bring what once was in darkness into the the Light where God can pierce through every corner and dispel every shadow. These things are usually a long process, maybe lasting until judgment day when God transfigures His children. I'll continue to pray for God's work in your life.

  2. Thanks Ruth for your comments. Healing and newness is what it's all about for not only myself but for others. You are correct in saying sometimes it is a long process. I am blessed to have you pray for me in this process of healing. There are times I feel "stuck" on this topic of healing etc. but I'm coming out on the other end of the tunnel and I think I see some light shining. Thanks be to God.

  3. Jane, I think you're doing great! Each post that you write takes you another step further down your personal path. I wish I could give you the gift of seeing yourself through my eyes (I wrote a blog about that a while back) so that you could feel that YOU bring peace and spread sunshine just by being yourself. Not kidding, you do! You've lifted me up many a time, simply by leaving a kind, sweet Janie comment on my wall, or on a blog post.

    I understand that you battle a chemical reaction in your brain brought about by the traumas you've endured - no one can quite grasp that unless they've gone through some similar challenge. I think that many people choose to brush off the fact that survivors of abuse really DO end up with their brains hardwired differently, permanently. Your description of how you awaken daily, poised to react to violence that is no longer there is a very simple example for people to give some thought. You fight a daily battle, my friend, and I have to tell you that I think you're doing an amazing job to balance yourself out each day and be the sweet, loving person you are.

    Much love,

  4. dawnie,
    again sorry for the late response to your wonderful comment full of wisdom and kind words. I am so grateful to have you in my life. love ya girlie, janie